Someone makes strategic miscalculations more often, someone less often, but in any case, this path is thorny, purely individual, and no one is immune from misses. The main thing is that the common parent mistakes made when raising children in the family are not fatal when the wrong behavior model is so firmly fixed in the baby that it becomes incredibly difficult to fix it.
We do not listen to our child
We all do not know how to listen. Parents do not listen to children, wives – husbands, husbands – wives. And when you start listening, you get all the answers just instantly. You understand the position of another person and understand where and in what place in this position there is some kind of defect. And you begin to calmly and without irritation discuss it, without creating a conflict. Well, ideally, of course. This ranks high in the list of common parent mistakes.
The basis of education is clear principles and rules of the game. Clear boundaries on the one hand, and on the other – love and care. When principles do not change, when the same requirements are always there is no anger. In our country, rigor is often confused with hysteria. If dad brandishes a belt, and mother chases the children with cries: “Your mother!” – this is not severity, but weakness and powerlessness.
Attempt to buy a child is a common parent mistake
Of course, a laptop, smartphone, bicycle, skate and other things in the eyes of a child are of great value, but they should not be overestimated. This is not a magic wand. The child is not so grateful to us for these things if there is some element of bribery in their acquisition. And like bribery, they don’t work that much. That is, a clear miracle will not happen. If you had a bad relationship with your child, after a computer or a bicycle, they won’t become better for a long time. You should avoid this sort of common parent mistakes. Here we must look for a more durable way. For example, spend more time together and talk more. Or do not quibble. Or try to understand the position of another person.
But if the child wants to receive the cherished thing in return for something positive and he achieves it himself, then why not? Only without advance payment. Advances with children usually do not work. Only in the evening – money, in the morning – chairs.
Children know our weaknesses. They know where to put a tear on, on whom you can stomp your foot, on whom you can yell and so on. And if you allow yourself to twirl – they will twirl you. A swing is when you disagree for a long time, and then you agree. If you are forced to say ten to fifteen times: “No! Never! Never! ”- that means for the twentieth time you still say:“ Yes! ”You buy, carry out, give up because if you didn’t give up, there wouldn’t be this circus.
Better say yes immediately if you know that you will give up. Or no at once. Or if you can’t decide right away, think-aloud until you make a decision.
A swing is the shortest way to make a child neurotic or become a neurotic yourself. Watch yourself. Swing is more common than herpes. Almost everyone has it.
Succumb to manipulation
Young children can do truly frightening things. To bend, lie down on the ground, if they didn’t buy something they wanted, break, harm, cut, tear, crumple … At first, it scares. I even want to show the child to a psychiatrist.
In fact, manipulation is just such a form of influence. If Stalin had discovered that the whole country was starting to tremble when he jumps through the rope, he would jump through the rope from morning till night. Why? But because it works. Jump the rope and all the marshals tremble! What could be better?
What should I do?
Just ignore it. And in no case give the manipulator negative attention. If you spanked a child who, demanding something, lay down in the mud, consider that you ENCOURAGED him. And he will definitely do it again. And you just need to not pay attention to negative behavior and, of course, encourage positive. “Well, he was lying in the mud, well done. The city will be cleaner. Now get up and move on! ”
If you yell at a child, he will yell at you. This is the law. So stop screaming first. By the way, the screams are connected with the previous paragraph, i.e. with a swing. If they put pressure on you, you are defending yourself, which is, yelling. And then give up. A scream is a sign of weakness.
Don’t need to require something from the child when he is tired and you are tired
For example, check lessons in the evening when you are annoyed and your child has eyes stick together. It ends with screams, quarrels and leads to nothing. Better postpone your lessons in the morning. In the morning, twenty minutes is enough to finish what you did not do in the evening.
Inability to see the child’s eyes
This is one of the very common parent mistakes. When your humble servant was six years old, a good friend of my parents took away my toy – a wonderful rubber hare with red ears. He, you see, did not like the fact that I gnawed gratefully at the ears of this hare. And then this friend forgot to return the hare and left. And no one understood that this was a tragedy for me. No parents, no one. And it really was a tragedy in the coordinate system, which I then built. I remember it well. But everyone didn’t care. And there are hundreds of such cases. We do not notice how one or another of our actions affects the child.
A child always feels a parent lie a sham!
And we often try to pretend. When a woman speaks with her mother-in-law or her husband with the boss, or when we speak with the child himself, supposedly in calm, as it seems to us, voice, but hiding his irritation.
But children are much smarter and more observant than we think. And lying to them is useless. It is better to explain some things intelligibly than to lie.
Do not be too wicked and required
Sometimes we allow ourselves anger out of good intentions. Well, for example, lessons have not been done, the house is littered, children quarrel, do nothing at all, hang up on the Internet, etc., etc. In general, usually parental annoyance does not resolve the problem. We must try to find other ways. To insist, but only without anger.
We punish for wrong behavior, but do not teach the correct
For example, we spank a child for hitting his younger brother. That is, we are doing the same thing that the child did: we beat the weak, whom we consider wrong. But the child also beats the younger brother because the younger brother is wrong. Screaming or taking away toys. It turns out that we taught him. But do not teach him to hug his younger brother, to protect him. Or teach in words. But the words do not work. It is necessary to set an example, to come up with situations where this concern could be manifested.
Physical punishments should not be at all
This is also a sign of weakness. I do not remember a single case where physical punishment would help. Even if the children are doing something wrong, it does not work.
Do not be angry at the child when he can’t do anything quickly
He’s not delving deliberately but simply does not know how quickly yet. Or hopes for help. For example, he wants shoelaces tied to him. A scream will not help here. Often a child does not understand the value of time. For example, you need to leave now and immediately because there will be traffic jams. Here it is better to restrain you or to predict that such a situation will arise and to correct something.
It is not possible to impress caprices
This is the hardest part. Some children and I succumbed and began to indulge whims. It is bad and very hard to heal later. Do not indulge whims from the very beginning. Be loving but firm. Indulging whims is not a sign of love. A person can then find himself in a difficult situation when he has already grown up, and his whims are impossible. But one must understand what a whim is, and what is not. Sometimes a child really cannot do something and needs attention and love.
Do not give the child too large freedom of choice
Children are afraid of too much freedom. They are eager for her, but they are afraid of her. Freedom must be taught gradually, or anarchy can be taught. Sharp educational leaps are dangerous – both for the worse and for the better. Change must be gradual. This is one of the common parent mistakes that should be avoided.
Promote and advance game dependence on the child
The need to keep children busy all the time is very tiring. Most parents know about the dangers of a computer, but still turn a blind eye to it, so that children will be zombified for a while and left alone. This is one of the common parent mistakes of modern times.
Free access to a computer ends with the same thing – games. They crowd out cartoons, films, reports, audiobooks, and music.
This is especially if the child has his own room and in it a separate computer. Therefore, always try to have an idea of what your child is doing online. Boys are much more addicted to games than girls. Almost all boys are at risk.
Well, if everything will cost only two or three years of development lost, scoliosis, visual impairment. For small children, the same or even greater evil is a smartphone.
Don’t give higher education forcedly!
Do not be afraid of the army! Many parents intimidate the boys with the army and give them to any university that the child hates and takes revenge on their parents, breaking their fate. This is called: in spite of my mother I will get a sore throat. This is a dead-end. In general, if you see that your son or daughter is not yet pulling, have not ripened yet, do not force higher education, especially paid.
The best option would be a college in the specialty that interests itself. And then let him decide whether to graduate or not. Sometimes a college helps to gain time and figure out how much you are interested in a specialty, and then replay something.
If the child does not pull, do not force it! Help him get interested, but don’t run ahead of the engine, pulling the rope behind him!
>>You may also like reading: 8 mistakes parents make when raising children