Let’s think about how we educate? How to educate us? This is good, but sometimes we make upbringing mistakes that can cause serious emotional trauma to the child, injuries that throughout his life will not give him rest. What should parents and teachers not do? What mistakes are we making? In this article, I will discuss 8 mistakes parents make when raising children.
I want to talk with you about what is not easy to hear, sometimes it’s difficult to understand and what is unbearable to admit to yourself. About what is the background, the generally accepted norm?
I want to talk with those who are ready:
- seriously think about how we, adults, behave in relation to children, what educational system we create for them;
- take a small step, make an adult decision that will allow at least something to change in relation to at least one child: you are beloved with all your heart; well-known neighbor; professionally entrusted to your ward or just by chance meeting.
This article is not for you if :
- you know exactly how to raise your child, are confident in all your educational goals, motives, tasks;
- guided by the principle “I was raised this way, and I will be the same”;
Every one of us loves our children, no doubt, but inevitably and, unfortunately, we do not always consciously look at our children through the prism of how we raised us, and this affects how we show our love. I have no desire to condemn someone, “catch by the hand” or be ashamed of “unsatisfactory” parenthood. Everyone understands how difficult it is to raise a child, what an incredibly difficult task it is. I am the mother of two daughters, and I know this very well from my own experience. I believe that condemnation and criticism are harmful to life, understanding and further growth.
It’s really important for me that you and I just see and realize the consequences of our adult mistakes over a child’s soul.
The first of the mistakes parents make is the compulsion
The usual situation: the child does not want the parent or teacher forces. The first one for some reason decides not to do something. The second considers it necessary not to seek the reasons for such a decision, but simply to force it. The message at the same time is approximate as follows: “You yourself cannot, you do not have your will, experience, mind, but I have!” The one who is often forced to live in conflict with himself. Constant life under duress is a sure path to the ultimate loss of oneself. Thus, it is important for us to realize that regularly forcing children, we cripple their healthy will, lay the habit of suffering and suffering in them.
Mistake # 2. Groaning
Consciousness is a favorite parental, as well as many teachers, manipulation. It works instantly, efficiently. The message is: “You are bad, terrible, I see you through and through, you will not hide anything from me. Remember, I am watching you and I am always ready to bring you to clean water. ” If we shamed a child, especially in public, then this is what we actually did:
- demonstrated their superiority by committing an act of psychological violence;
- declared him bad, and this feeling, alas, will remain with him for a long time;
- settled in him a fear of his own mistakes, shortcomings, actions;
- put another stone in the construction of his own “prison”, which will not allow him to manifest, create, try, express himself, achieve success;
- revealed to everyone what he would prefer to keep with him, thereby violating his personal boundaries.
Thus, disrespect, contrary to all expectations, does not make the child better, it makes him more secretive. The risk of being ashamed makes you drive many natural manifestations and impulses into the depths, makes you afraid of yourself, thoughts, feelings. Consciousness is an external substitute for a child’s inner conscience. This is actually one of the worst of mistakes parents make when raising children.
In the end, it becomes more profitable for him to either live unscrupulously or to live in fear of punishment. Adopting a child with all its shortcomings and advantages is always more useful than trying to shame him.
One of the direst mistakes parents make is punishing
Punishment is used, as a rule, to prevent the repetition of such behavior in the future. However, often behind him is only a manifestation of adult helplessness, frustration, and anger. Fair punishment for the damage actually done can still be perceived by the child as an adequate measure. Unjust punishment gives rise only to resentment, anger, indignation. This is one of the direst mistakes parents make.
The message under punishment: “You, apparently, did not understand how terribly did? So, I’ll hurt you, make you ill, humiliate you for making me worry. ” A child who is punished with humiliation, physical or psychological abuse, eventually very quickly becomes a rapist himself.
In response, it gives rise only to the desire to humiliate and avenge.
Alternatives to punishment: If the child does not want to listen to you and stop what he is doing, it may be super important for him. Then you should discuss the current situation and agree on the form, timing. For example: “I understand that you do not want to go home, do homework, but want to take a walk, but I can only give you three days to correct all undesirable ratings.” In addition to trying to come to an agreement, outlining your feelings and intentions, and alternative to punishment will be a clear definition of the border. You can just firmly say: “Stop, stop, stop, stop please.” The hardness of your words will always be perceived by the child.
>>Also Read– 10 common mistakes we make when teaching a child
If the teacher is firm in his intentions, then the student will always hear him well and stop acting, not going beyond the limits of what is permitted. Another alternative is to discuss what happened. Even having matured, we often do things that we later regret. Attempts to understand the motives, to find out the circumstances under which this happened, what moved and why help to better understand yourself and the circumstances.
Mistake number 4. Threats
Disbelief in the force of our influence leads to the fact that we begin to bully our children by manipulating the most valuable and important for them: security.
The message under threats: “If you don’t obey, then we will do this … give you some kind of beech, and you will never be safe.” The often-threatened child always lives in fear of being abandoned. By threatening children, we certainly make them obedient, but at the same time depriving ourselves of a sense of our own value. As a result, they learn to depreciate themselves and others.
Error No. 5. Criticism
Many of my colleagues are convinced of the effectiveness of criticism, sincerely believe that it makes children try to become better, strive for high, for achievements, for distant bright goals.
Fear of getting a bad grade or a bad result makes the child tense, dependent. In some cases, tired of resisting criticism, proving something to everyone around, the child decides to become a completely bad, bully. Criticizing a child, we take away his self-worth (that is, the confidence that it is valuable to us without any achievements) and his self-esteem (that is, soberly and really evaluate himself). The teacher needs to remember: a “criticized” child becomes the most anxious, can become depressed; begin to abandon any activity, even one that is within his power. It is also important to maintain in the child the ability to enjoy the process, usually characteristic of children who are not tormented by grades. Getting satisfaction from any business will make the learning process or creation fun.
Mistake number 6. Humiliation, swearing
Humiliation in communication with a child among the majority of adults is still not considered useful, although, unfortunately, in times of severe disappointment or impotence, it is difficult for adults to avoid them. A message with swearing and humiliation: “You probably don’t understand that I’m unhappy and disappointed with you, so I raise the decibels and increase the emphasis on how bad you are. Due to the humiliating vocabulary, I translate my discontent into an attack to intimidate and humiliate you, to make me feel better, and you have become completely to blame. ”
And therefore such children are very diligent, they are afraid to be a constant object of humiliation. Children, who are constantly humiliated, learn to destroy themselves, or vice versa, destroy, hurt others, displaying cruelty and violence.
Error No. 7. Praise
It seems that praising is much more useful than scolding or criticizing, but this is only partially true. Of course, criticism and humiliation are poor compost for development and growth. But it is important to remember that praise is the same assessment, only positive.
The message of praise: “I notice when you are doing something well. I’m glad about that. I want to make sure that you will continue to be more pleasant to please me than to upset. And it’s also important for me that you understand that doing something well is to make me happy. ”
If the child understands that he can’t reach the set level, he will not deserve praise, then he is very likely to leave for other defenses: unfinished business, unfinished projects.
Regular praise robs children of their freedom, freedom to be loved, to make mistakes, to try, learn and learn gradually. In addition, praise causes a painful fear in children to disappoint those who have already praised them once.
An alternative to praise: it is better to be interested, ask, and let the child evaluate himself. For example: “What do you think was your answer?” Have you answered all the questions? Let’s count how many correct answers together? I like that you prepared so hard for this test. ” It’s much easier to say “Well done,” “Great,” than to let the child evaluate himself.
Ignoring their children is one of the major mistakes parents make
Despite the fact that when ignoring no words are spoken, nevertheless, it is also an intervention, and very strongly affecting the child. Traditionally, ignoring is considered a less aggressive and “harmful” act for the child’s psyche than an open expression of discontent, but this is an illusion.
Message received by a child when he ignores: “When you act badly, I punish you with rejection. I demonstrate to you that at the moment you are so bad that I refuse to communicate with you. I’m proud not to scold you. And you will suffer until you ask for forgiveness or until I forgive you. ”
They reject the child with whom they abruptly disconnect, reject the present with all their appearance, and take the present. We take away his peace and confidence that he will continue to be loved because an outcast child cannot live in the present.
An alternative to ignoring is the expression of one’s feelings. It happens that you get so angry with the child that you have no desire to talk to him. In this case, it’s better to tell him about it: “I am so angry that I can’t talk, so I’ll calm down and talk to you.” In this case, the child will understand that he did something that made you angry, but he is not rejected and your connection with you has not been lost.
Our children are really shaped by our influences. But many have a disconnected connection between what they do with regard to children and what they want to receive as a result of education. And getting not at all what they expected, they still tend to blame the children for everything, not wanting to take responsibility for their mistakes. We should be aware of the mistakes parents make when raising children.
So how to educate, but not cripple? The listed effects of teachers and parents cause harmful consequences for the psyche of the child. Our minimum responsibility is to at least be aware of this. Everyone is mistaken, this is a natural consequence of human nature. And our task is to learn to relate to errors correctly, analyze and correct them.
There are no “bad” children with “good”, always “right” parents in everything.
The book “Metamorphoses of parental love, or How to educate, but not cripple,” Genesis Publishing House, 2012, author Mlodik I.Yu.